On Ectopic Pregnancy

Discovery

They say that you never really know how much you want something until you lose it. It’s a cliche, yes, and it’s annoying how true it is. In my more than 30 years of existence, I’ve proven this a few times, but this most recent one hit me the hardest. So far. I’ve felt that something’s wrong, but just like anyone else, I deny things before I get the courage to confirm them. So, when I did muster the courage and found out that I’m having a baby, I didn’t know what to make of it. I thought about it for a second. For a minute. For an hour. And it was only then when I realized that I actually love it. It was a moment of excitement, only to be taken away so quickly but the words, “it’s possibly an ectopic pregnancy.”

The mere possibility was shattering. It was a death of an unrealized dream. Heck, it’s an actual death. So, I cried. Then, I cried a bit more.

Stages of Grief

The next few days were followed by both fear, grief, anxiety, and all the emotions in the book that you can name. I felt like my hypothalamus was on overdrive as they took away one of my tubes. Even more, I felt anguish as I saw the other expectant mothers in the emergency room, little by little, get handed their newborns, while I was struggling to believe my fate that I’m getting a similar scar, a similar pain, with no tiny human to hold.

I did not just lose a tube due to ectopic pregnancy that day. I lost a sliver of hope. It was a death of a certainty. And I’m a person who’s very uncomfortable with uncertainty. I like to plan things to know for sure that they will work out. So I can set my expectations straight, I always aim to stay ahead of the game. I am comfortable being within the timeline, so I know I’m following a straight line.

But the fact about life is that things don’t always work out the way you want them to. That is, the reality won’t always be the same as your expectations. The timeline isn’t even straight. And in order for you to move on with your life, you have to accept these uncertainties.

Road to Acceptance

As every self-help book I’ve read would say, you will only be happy if you embrace the fact that you don’t have full control over your life, and that it’s okay. I hated that I didn’t have control over where my baby would stick itself. It frustrated me that I lost 11% of my chance to have future pregnancies due to one ectopic pregnancy. Even more, I hated that I have to suffer for the next few weeks with this wound, a wound that’s both physiological and emotional. But then again, I have to accept the fact that my future babies may stick themselves again in the wrong places. Or I may not have another pregnancy. Or I may have deeper wounds that will heal longer. It scares the hell out of me.

I lost a tube.

No.

I lost a baby.

It is only today that I admitted that. I’m still not okay with uncertainty nor that I’m ever going to be okay with it. I’m not okay now, but I think I’m going to be okay. That’s enough for now.

Originally posted on Medium.